My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
