Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
