I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
