I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
