bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
