He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
