remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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