i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
operation have a gay friend backfired
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
