i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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