The best revenge is premature balding
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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