I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
