Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
