I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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