Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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