you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
