i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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