do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
