1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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