pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
