just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
