Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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