since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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