I accidentally burped into my bong.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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