You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
