I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
