Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
