You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.