The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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