i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
