I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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