we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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