Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
