I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
