I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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