Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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