Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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