No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
