John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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