i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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