Will you blow on my dice?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
