so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
