Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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