all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
