You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
