Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
