Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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