In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
