people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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