wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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