I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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