Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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