Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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