im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
