hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
