he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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