Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You need Xanax blowdarts
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
