Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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