Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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